Roman Roy (Kieran Culkin) in front of a great Vaulter headline.During last night’s episode of HBO’s Succession, Kendall Roy had the dubious honor of pulling the plug on Vaulter, the fictional website that’s been compared to Vox for its explainer-y articles, BuzzFeed for its click-y celebrity content, and Vulture for its name (Come on: “Vaulter”?!) — not to mention the fact that last night’s scenes in the Vaulter offices were filmed in the same building as the Vulture offices. Between Waystar Royco’s acquisition of the site last season and its abrupt death last night, Vaulter might not have had the traffic to survive under its new ownership (thanks, Facebook), but there’s one thing it delivered without fail: very, very good headlines. And “Vaulter” was an episode that gave us some extremely good ones, like “5 Reasons Why Drinking Milk on the Toilet Is Kind of a Game-Changer”:
Or “Soylent Green Could Become a Delicious Reality”:
Or “Meet the World’s Richest People Trafficker (He’s a Surprisingly Nice Guy)”:
Or “Wait, Is Every Taylor Swift Lyric Secretly Marxist?”:
As a tribute to the blog that had the unfortunate fate of being devoured by a global media conglomerate, we’ve gathered up every Vaulter headline that’s been featured on Succession since its series premiere, so you can marvel at all of them in one easy place:
• “Meet the Guy Trying to Buy All of Bitcoin Using Some of Bitcoin”
• “These Old Photos of Soviet Dental Schools Are Peak Dystopia Porn”
• “Soylent Green Could Become a Delicious Reality”
• “This Ransomware Doesn’t Demand Money, It Wants You to Do Press-Ups”
• “Wait, Is Every Taylor Swift Lyric Secretly Marxist?”
• “This Tinder for Pedophiles App Sounds Like a Really Bad Idea”
• “Meet the World’s Richest People Trafficker (He’s a Surprisingly Nice Guy)”
• “5 Reasons Why Drinking Milk on the Toilet Is Kind of a Game-Changer”
• “Meet the Guys Who Want to Turn Justin Bieber Into a Viking Longship”
• “Someone Is Making Soap Shaped Like Jerry Seinfeld’s Face, Because White People”
Thank you, Vaulter, for your service. Your website might not have lasted forever, but your headlines are immortal.
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The ‘Vaulter’ Headlines on Succession Are Works of ArtncG1vNJzZmivp6x7t8HLrayrnV6YvK57kWlocmdgbXy0wcKcnKyrmaS7brTBqGSvmaWhwaa%2BjJujqJ9dnbKisMuipZ6rXp3Brrg%3D